Ma'am I think we have a problem here with your vents.....

Okay, so when I started this blog I had never intended there to be so much talk about bodily functions. But alas, when you have children, so much of your life now revolves around much pee-pee and poo-poo talk. I will try to make this the last entry of this sort for a while so as not to be accused of running a "Blog of Bodily Functions". I feel strongly though that this story must be told. This story is about Dimpled Child. Dear Dimpled Child. He has a fascination with relieving himself whenever and wherever he pleases. How do I know this? Well, it all goes back to the atrocious stink in the bathroom. After much scrubbing, washing and much threatenings about the virtues of hitting the potty instead of the trash can when you piddle, the bathroom still captured the stench of a port-a-potty in 100 degree weather. I did all I could, but after about a month, the mysterious stench still remained. As I was cleaning out Dimpled Child's room one day, I noticed a familiar subway-station smell in the corner by the heating vent (and this happens to be a vent that is shared with the bathroom). You know where I'm going with this right? The bathroom stinks not because of the lack of aiming skills, but because the bathroom shares a vent with Dimpled Child's room; where for some reason he has chosen to piddle in the corner---repeatedly. When I confronted Dimpled Child about the stinky corner in his room at first he denied the deed, then he smiled, barely concealing his secret delight of having his own personal potty next to his bed. I usually have a lot to say as a Mom, I usually freak-out and way overreact when the kids do something so bone-headed, but this time, I had no words at all. I eventually cleaned it and scolded and went on with life. But the story does not end there. In the fall we decided to have all the heating vents cleaned and sanitzed. The cleaning guy went about his work, until of course he got to Dimpled Child's room. Now at this point, I could tell you what the guy said when he got to Dimpled Child's vent, but you've probably guessed it already. It appears that I needed to correct myself when I said that Dimpled Child had "a" potty in his room; apparently he had two.

Absolutely refreshing!

If only root canals could be that enjoyable.

Girl....You'll be a woman soon

Allright, so back in the day when I was in the making the PTA rounds I volunteered to help out with the "Maturation Program". You all know what that is right? It's that dreaded day when as a pre-teen they huddle you into a darkened room like sheep to the slaughter and show you the horrifying and confusing "sex education" movie. You know the movie; it's in B&W and from the 50's and you have absolutely no idea what they are talking about because in those days they didn't say things like "period" or "uterus" and they replaced those terms with "flower" and "fertile valley". Thankfully, things have gotten much better. I was on hand for the last installment of the program to set up refreshments and I had brought Random Child and Dimpled Child along with me. As I was finishing the set-up, the gal giving the presentation was starting. She was very informal and relaxed and instead of looking horrified like I was back then, the girls were giggling (Ok, I was giggling too because I still laugh when I hear the words "tampon" or "pad"; sadly I have not yet progressed past 3rd grade mentality). The presenter proceeded to tell the girls, "There are some big changes that are going to be happening to all of you". At that moment Random Child's head popped up and with a bewildered look he said, "What?!". In true Mackie fashion, his comment was loud enough to be heard within a 5 mile radius and everyone was laughing. Hmm....maybe it's time to pay a little visit to the room where they are giving the "boys version".

These boots were made for walkin

Alright, so I made this digi page a while back, and while it's kind of busy and ugly it still makes me laugh. All last Winter and Summer (that's right Summer!) he wore these ridiculous, stinky boots. I washed them like crazy and the stink would not leave. And of course, Dimpled Child refused to wear socks with them which made matters worse. When we were out in public people always told Dimpled Child that his boots were really cool; but I think he already knew that. Oh and how he loved those boots! In a way I loved them too because he could put them on all by himself. After many threatenings, David finally hid them and we haven't seen them since....I think I read somewhere that every time you smell mildew it's just another kid's boots arriving in stinky boot heaven.

I've extended the 5 second rule to 1 hour

Yes, these children are slurping stagnant water out of a stopped-up drain at Grandma Siufanua's old house. How long has that water been there? Oh, like forever. And isn't it cute how Random Child is sitting there so patiently waiting for his turn?Uncle Feleni finally unclogged (reminds me so much of a toilet) it a couple of years later so the children would stop using it as a water fountain. He was very descriptive of the muck that was down at the very bottom; I had to cover my ears and leave. Funny thing is, the kids never got sick, and this is where the extention of the 5 second rule comes in. I figure that if my kid can drink sludge from a stopped up storm drain and not get sick, then that banana that just fell onto the floor is fair game. Heck, if you found it days later and it is technically still food, then by all means help yourself to it little one; Mommy knows your tummy can handle it.

Mother's little helper

Dimpled Child: Mommy, Mommy, when I spit on the mirror I cwean it wike dis (making large circular motions with his hands). It's all cwean!
Mom: Dimpled Child, why are you spitting on the mirror?
Dimpled Child: It's all cwean. I cweaned it, I cweaned it!
Mom: Oy!

Word definitions
cwean=clean
wike=like
dis=this

The randomness of children

The scene: Library
The cast: Mom, Responsible Child, Random Child, Dimpled Child, Squeaky Child and the unfortunate library helper

Mom: Okay, if we want to play on the computers we need to sign up over here.
Library helper: Please spell your names for me and I'll put you on the list.
Random Child: My name's Random, Random, Random.
Responsible Child: My name is spelled R-e-s-p-o-n-s-i-b-l-e.
Random Child: Hey, my brother knows how to write in cursive.
Library helper: Allright, how do you spell Random Child?
Random Child: Oooh, ooh, can I have my headsets yet?
Responsible Child: His name is spelled R-a-n-d-o-m.
Dimpled Child: I'm a boy.
Random Child: Can I have the headsets, pleeeeeese!?
Library helper: Now how do to spell your name (to Dimpled Child)?
Dimpled Child's: It's spelled D-i-m-p-l-e-d.
Mom: Hey, how did you know that?

The End (well for that hour of the day at least)

Yet another reason to be crazy about Random Child

You gotta love a kid that changes his score on a spelling test.

Booger Hair: Another big difference between boys and girls

These photos are not from a crime scene, unless of course you think my apparent lack of mothering skills is criminal. No, these photos were taken to illustrate the phenomenon of Booger Hair. You see, all of our boys came out looking like Yetis and were promptly given buzz cuts at the tender age of 5 months. I was pretty good at the cleanliness thing back then and they never had more than a pleasant little crust around the nose. Now Squeaky Child comes along with her long girly hair and it is constantly plastered to her face with booger glue. This is another new thing for me as a Mom of a girly girl. Now, she usually has her hair pulled back with elaborate bows or ribbons and you might think it is because I am a sweet and precious Mom, but the truth is I really don't like Booger Hair.

Trash or Treasure?

I haven't quite figured out the allure of garbage. But Squeaky Child can't seem to get enough of it. Maybe she's hungry? Maybe she's trying to steal my identity? Or just maybe she likes the adrenaline rush you get from bargain hunting; you never know what you're going to find and when you do find it you know it's going to be "cheep, cheep, cheep" (I added that as a reference to the post below). The first photo pictured is of Squeaky Child feasting on "Styrofoam Stroganof" (yes, that is an extra piece of styrofoam hanging out of her mouth) and in the second pic she's added a spoon to this adventure in order to enjoy her "Chocolate Caramel Cake Infused With Tomato Puree (katsup). Oh and in the third picture, well I just added it because it was really cute!

The secret life of easter chicks

Ever wonder what the chicks are doing while you're out running errands? Check out Sloane Tanen's books for a good time.

Cowboy and Octopus

This is one of my new favorite kids books by Jon Scieszka. It's a collection of five short stories featuring the friendship between a cowboy and octopus. I know, I know where do a cowboy and octopus ever have the occasion to meet or form a relationship given that one of them doesn't even speak? It's ridiculous and that's part of why I like it; after all, how many times can you read about Corduroy losing his button for the umpteenth time and not want to put your eye out. I find that children's books often impart wisdom and humor and if they are well written are as enjoyable to read for parents as they are for children. Here's one of the last stories in the book.

How do you mend a broken heart?

I was thinking the other day about how much Random Child despises (or secretly loves) Hannah Montana. I wonder if it was perhaps because he was scorned by his first love and has never quite gotten over it. Maybe it has something to do with the "Kindergarten drama" that occurred last year. One day Random Child came home to tell me about "His Girl" Anahi. He told me frequently that he liked her because of her hair; that is, I'm guessing it was her hair because when he talked about her he made these sweeping motions over his head and said "she has these things in her hair". A few weeks later he came home to tell me that he was no longer friends with Ky because he had stolen "His Girl" as well as a few others. The final draw came towards the end of the school year when with tears in his eyes he exclaimed to me, "I told Anahi that I loved her-and she laughed at me!". Oh the heartbreak.

Church in your jammies

I so look forward to those 2 Sundays during the year when I can roll out of my bed and automatically be at church on my couch. I'm going to have to say that I loved the last talk by Elder Ballard who admonished women to stop driving themselves crazy and take time out for themselves. And did you think the note from Elder Monson's wife was hilarious? It's comforting to know that I'm not the only wife that thinks that way. I just went to the church website and downloaded the first session for my Ipod (right click on the MP3 icon and save the file) so I can listen to the talks that I missed; yeah that's right I missed some because I fell asleep, in fact I think it's a widely known conference rule that you MUST sleep through at least 2 talks otherwise you are not normal. What was your favorite part of conference? Feel free to post your comments!

Mom's a Beauty Queen

Dimpled Child drew this picture for me yesterday and with a big eyed expression said, "Mom, this is a picture of you!". I replied, "Umm, thanks it's really nice Dimpled Child". As I studied it though, I thought that maybe he is really giving me a compliment. Aside from the freakishly large head, note the legs and arms; they are stick thin, I'm lovin that. From what I can tell, I cannot detect a butt or stomach, which means they are so small that they cannot be detected; no problem with that either. I also have BIG beautiful eyes and a big smile (which he probably doesn't see enough of). It's the thought that counts. So, the next time your child finger paints with his diaper contents or scratches pictures into your oak dinner table, remember, he or she is merely saying, "Mom, I love you".

Music and the Spoken Word

When you visit the Siufanuas on any given Sunday, you can be sure that we are engaging in appropriate Sunday activities.

www.randomchild.com (okay, that is not a real site.....yet)

I found this on my computer the other day while cleaning up some of my files. Random Child had gotten on my computer and attempted to make his own website. I thought I'd point out a few things that may be unintelligible to the average reader. The first thing is an ad for Hannah Montana which includes her phone number; this is ironic because every time he hears her name he says, "ewww" or "gross" and he has actually formed an "I hate Hannah Montana" club with his friend (when I pressed him for the name of this friend just now he said, "I don't know but he has um, eyes and big hair"). I think he secretly likes her. Next up is a shout out for his stuffed dog Max (which is apparently a new name for Gully) and kick. man.more which may be a subliminal ad for the "Man". Lastly you can "coll" David's cell phone with any other questions. He really needs his own blog!

Rules of walking etiquette and danger

I swear I need to make a blog just for Random Child's adventures. Here's one that came to mind from a couple of months ago. I was walking Random Child to school and he always waits and walks with me, whereas the other kids take off, leaving me in their wake of dust. On the way he makes a point of telling me that he waits for me because he loves me and it's the right thing to do. Now here's the gem of information that relays to me, "Mom, if a killer is chasing you, you do not have to wait for them". It's funny that he said that because most people would assume that running from a killer is a given and that rules of etiquette make an exception for waiting in that case.

A final funny for the day

I had to add this final word today before I forgot. Here is a joke courtesy of the random child (Random Child).
Random Child: Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?
Mom: To get to the other side?
Random Child: No, he crosses the road to get to Mexico so he can get a burrito.

Sweet dreams everyone!

Superwaffles!

This funny story comes word for word from Aunty Jeannette:

Yesterday you brought us our waffles upstairs. These were
devoured by my visiting family (Jeanette, Talosaga, Talia
& Grandma) Responsible Child, and Random Child.  That left a little Dimpled Child in
his Superman suit saying in his little voice "I didn't get
a waffle".  He wandered around the table repeating this to
anyone who would take pity on him.  And we looked upon him
sadly as waffle crumbs lined our mouths. About 10 minutes
later Random Child ran downstairs to grab more waffles. He
brought two up and gave one to Dimpled Child.  At last Koa could
feed his superhero hunger.  So grandma spritzed his
waffle with spray on butter only to find that it was
salad dressing spritzer.  Little Dimpled Child stood there in the
kitchen in his superman outfit with waffle spittle flying
out of his mouth. Poor guy.  I guess kryptonite isn't the
only thing he hates.  We had to leave in such a rush, we
didn't get to see the end of his saga.  I hope he got
some yummy waffle, he'd waited so long for it.